suzanne alcasid

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 01:06:55 GMT

sup i got a new lj so add it if you want
36daysyndrome36daysyndrome36daysyndrome

Wed, 21 Sep 2005 23:30:53 GMT

Tue, 20 Sep 2005 05:07:52 GMT

NEW JOURNAL

uglysong

add it

Mon, 19 Sep 2005 19:32:11 GMT

on saturday i hung out with edward. i'm trying to remember what we did because i seriously spent like the whole day with him. but i can't figure out what we did. i might have hung out with someone else earlier in the day. i'm so lost. i'm trying to bring up a memory from the DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY and all i can think of is nothing, like a big empty black space. hahahaha. i do know that we drove around a lot and it was cool. oh yeah i remember something now. hahaha. we went to vanessa's place so she could let edward borrow some money and we were int he parking lot and i had to make a u-turn to park and edward saw her and in his excitement he opened his door while i was turning and almost tumbled out. it doesn't sound very funny. but it was SO funny. so funny thati was laughing so hardthat when i tried to park i hit the curb really hard. i've been hitting a lot of curbs lately. oh yeah and yesterday i also touched marisa's tummy.

yesterday i hung out with daniel. did something. again? except this time not so impulsively and not because i was sad and lonely and all that bullshit but because i really think it's a really good decision, probably one of the best one i've made in a while. i also made another good decision this weekend. maybe THREE. i don't know it's all coming together. like duh sometimes people are going to be sad, or pissed off, or fucked over, or happy, or scared but fuck like if you can't feel those things or don't want to feel them then what kind of life are you living. it's like yeah we're all young, we're immature and stupid and are afraid of any type of pain even though sometimes i know i feel like i'm immune to pain. but like i think if you can get fucked over and learn to accept it and let it go then maybe something's learned. like being young is about not looking back and just jumping in head first not about like testing the waters first or not going in cause it's too cold because you just wanna go swimming!!! hahahha. i make so much sense.

i watched the exorcism of emily rose yesterday too. and because it was about spiritual fear and mental illness and like just fear in general about the unknown it hit pretty close to home hahahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. yeah it's that funny. it's not that i believe in demonic possession because like, i kind of don't, but like. i dont know i seriously dont know. but gosh it sure does bring up a lot of memories, those were the days. diagnosed moderate schizophrenia + extreme fear of church + constant sleep paralysis (over and over again) + biblical visitations + images. uhhh yeah. hahahaha. anyways i've probably only ever talked to three people about this in the past 2-3 years but only because they were directly involved? or could relate? you're probably really confused, but i am too and whatever like it's not even important. i'll tell you a story though to make this lj interesting. about 2 years ago about my friend and i had to serve community service hours after being charged for petty theft. as the deadline drew closer we had to find someplace to volunteer so i was like hey how about st. paul the apostle church. just to throw out an idea i guess but yeah so we both started doing community service there. sometimes we'd go on the same day and it would be pretty funny just like exploring the church and playing with the church cat and stealing food from the kitchen and looking through people's desks and looking through random boxes, once we had like a water fight in the kitchen and once we ate all this holy communion bread haha, we couldn't find the wine. so anyways one day we both had to like put these little envelopes in the pockets behind the pews so we had to go around allllll the seats carrying stacks of envelopes and putting them in the right order. it took a really long time so we split up the work. at one point she was near the crucifix at the front and i left to go to the bathroom or talk to this fat woman stella about my hours or something. i came back and she was frozen in place and crying and i asked her what was wrong and all she said was that she really wanted to leave and how something wasn't right and something about being there really scared her. it was really random and i was pissed off because i knew/thought she just wanted to dump the rest of the work on me cause she's selfish and i used to really believe she faked a lot of shit for attention but the difference here was that she never brought it up again, or ever went back again even though she desperately needed those hours as much as i did. that's not even the whole story but yeah i'm like rambling now and its like dumb to talk about so bye.

Sun, 18 Sep 2005 06:00:29 GMT

i think everyone should just come out and admit that crying feels really reallllyy really GOOD even when you don't have to, i'm so serious. i know you know what i'm talking about. it just feels good.

Sat, 17 Sep 2005 19:56:52 GMT

okay so last night i ended up at a party in pomona where fm bats played. i remember having to pee behind some fucking bushes twice. it was so disgusting. i'm NEVER EVER doing that again, i hate how i do that when i've been drinking. i remember daniel forcing me to walk around. i remember andy being fucked up. i remember having a lot of fun. but i kept consuming illegal substances. by the end i was barfing out of my car and randomly blacking out until finally i guess i passed out? i don't remember ever completely passing out, i remember wanting to pass out becausei felt so nauseous. it's good to know i managed to do so. then this girl drove my car with me daniel and andy to my house and matt followed? or something? and then at my house they left me there and everyone in my car left with matt? i think i passed out in mycar a little more and then staggered up to my room. i then proceeded to throw up in my toilet, almost passing out on the bathroom floor until i came up with the ingenius idea to drink some water. i was so dehydrated and i had nothing left in my stomach to throw up yet i was still spewing stomach acid and my stomach was going inside out, it was sucked in all the way. so i did drank some water from the sink. and instantly felt a million times better and went to bed. there's a hickey on my neck that i swear i don't remember getting. my mom saw it hahaha. i thought i was being all slick too, by wearing my sweatshirt around the house but she saw it this morning while i was still passed out. whateverrrrrrz dude.

today! the exorcism of emily rose with edwarrrd? yup.

Fri, 16 Sep 2005 20:53:50 GMT

i need $600!!!!!!!!!! of spending money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW

Fri, 16 Sep 2005 05:44:37 GMT

my head is throbbing, it hurts soososososos much. i wanna like, drill a hole in it for some reason. it's been a long day. even though it's only 10. i spent the day in the following places: armando's house, RCC, downtown riverside, a graveyard, my house, and then this barbeque somewhere down woodview for travis' going away thing. he's going to school in santa cruz and leaves tomorrow. the thing was at matt hamamoto's house. there was pizza, cake, and a bonfire among other things. we saw a dead dog on the side of woodview. oh and a shitload of cute little raccoons. my heeaaaaad hurts. here are some pictures from the graveyard. and the dead dog. it died of starvation.

some locked up cage room thingy that reminded me of a crypt. there were about three of them. this one had the door like melted shut and in the back it looks like someone tried digging through the brick wall.

i don't think i'm doing anything tomorrow. and saturday is my grandma's death anniversary thing in fontana. i'll probably stop by there for a minute or two and then whatever. i wonder why we don't do the death anniversary thing for all the other dead people we know.

Thu, 15 Sep 2005 05:34:09 GMT

oh shit tonight was perfect, in it's own sad, bittersweet way. i went out and went to see some people and talk and drive and sit and smoke. god chino hills is so small. i'm sippin on the rockstar i got at stater bros. and the anniversary issue of i-D for more painting subjects. everything i have ever done in my life has led up to this moment. i guess it's not so bad.

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 23:27:51 GMT

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 10:21:05 GMT

"LEO Daily Overview
September 13, 2005

It's time to do a little cutting and pasting when it comes to your recent situation. Blazing a new trail isn't always easy, but the effort will be worth it in the end. Once this is over, people will know you're a force to be reckoned with."

see look i'm a FORCE to be RECKONED WITH. i don't really know what this new trail is, it probably means i should be getting to know new people and stuff. that sounds like a good idea. god please bless me with motivation.

riiight so i cut my hair tonight. also, there was this little piece of TWIG lodged between my nailbed and actual nail, so like it was under my nail. there was a twig under my nail. it hurt so bad. actually i didn't really notice the pain until i noticed the actual splinter of wood digging underneathe my thumb nail and then it started to hurt really bad. that's one of my biggest fears ever. other BIGGEST FEARS include papercuts on my eyeball and insects laying their eggs in my gums and having the little eggs hatch and formless baby insects coming out of my gums. i took the little twig thingy out and now my whole thumb hurts. oh well look at my hair!

if you can't see a difference, we can't be friends anymore ;(

"Here is your couple's love horoscope
for Wednesday, September 14:

Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? That's a big question to ponder, especially if you and your partner are currently engaged in a heated debate. Try to see their side, too. "

whatevaz i shouldn't even be looking at "couple's love horoscopes"

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 05:49:32 GMT

i don't like having friends who love trying to make me feel guilty for not hanging out with them, it's seriously really, really annoying and is getting old. like, i really don't sit around waiting for certain people to call me when they feel like hanging out and dropping everything i'm doing just to hang out with them because i'm afraid they'll get all mad at me and shit. i rarely reserve days for people unless it's for a special occasion. don't fuck with my special occasions. i'll hang out with whoever wants to if i'm not already doing something. i won't be the one to call anyone to hang out. i'm just like that. always have been, always will be. stop the bitching please. just had to make that clear. love you, and you, and you too, peace.

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 04:35:24 GMT

i got the best phone call from bobby and chanaye today hahaha

i cant feel my leg, my head hurts, SUPERNATURAL sucks, i'm sleeping downstairs tonight

Tue, 13 Sep 2005 21:24:28 GMT

list of things i love:
unsolved mysteries UPDATES
chocolate milk and regular milk
OREO MCFLURRIES
not having to wear a bra
aa shorts
SLEEPING

list of things i hate:
being woken up by LAWNMOWERS every morning
how many times do my neighbors have to mow their lawns every week
being broke as hell
waiting for my sister to get home just so i can use MY car
sitting on my ass all day
EVERYTHING ELSE almost

being a bum is actually pretty fun

Mon, 12 Sep 2005 21:51:01 GMT

Mon, 12 Sep 2005 02:12:22 GMT

alright so i went to church today right. for the first time in almost a year. i saw people i used to know. like KNOW know. like friends from any time between the 1st grade through last year. i waved to this girl who i used to be psuedo-bff with and she just looked at me and looked away. after that i ignored everyone i knew, even when they were sitting right next to me or if i was standing right next to them waiting to get bread or whatever. god it feels good to be a loner.

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 23:12:39 GMT

yesterday was daniel's birthday. i sat around scanning pictures for a while then went to go pick him up and hang out. the last time we tried hanging out, just us, was a horrible idea. this time it was a good idea. we watched heathers and requiem for a dream. then we went to andy's. smoked cocopuffs. umm i took really good hits and it made me feel good until later when i started to hallucinate. like not a fun happy little hallucination but like fucking scary ass hallucinations, like sleep paralysis status hahahaha. it was funny. in hindsight. it was just scary at the time haha. i remember how scared i was driving home, cause i would see fucking ghost hitchhikers and i thought they were trying to get into my car hahahaha.i didn't want to look into my rearview mirror cause i was afraid i'd see people sitting in my backseat. i dont remember what i did when i got home. i remember eating a lot of cereal and then suddenly waking up this morning. oh how i love cocopuffs.

so yeah like i was saying, i scanned a bunch of pictures. none of them are recent, most are pretty old. i'll post random ones just to post them. the ones with the 400 x ??? dimensions are polaroids (actually, that's only the first one). the wider ones were taken with a disposable camera. all were taken sometime between '03 - spring '05

coldstone

ryan and sterling, sophomore year

camping at lake perris

on the way to lake tahoe or sacramento

me and alex magnolia drinking in the parking lot by 51

NY last spring

daniel running in the forest

Fri, 09 Sep 2005 17:56:30 GMT

yet another morning deprived of breakfast

yesterday included
armando
finally giving him the prince of egypt on dvd
(in the process spending my last few dollars)
freeway traffic
palos verdes
the sea at night and cliffs too
santa ana to see daniel and bulimia play
carbon canyon
piano on the sidewalk outside this guy anthony's house
claiming the piano with a note

chino hills! i really needed last night.

this morning i felt an earthquake. apparently nobody else did. i swear it was an actual earthquake, i don't imagine WHOLE earthquakes. i'm not fucking psychotic. my whole room shook. m83 tonight in l.a.? hopefully.

in san pedro, from last night:

armando playing the piano:

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Thu, 08 Sep 2005 22:29:28 GMT

i'd really like to see Grizzly Man. there are also other movies i really want to see. i made a list. after i discovered that my blockbuster debt was paid for completely. i'm so excited.

"The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one." - Albert Einstein

YEAHHHHHHH

Wed, 07 Sep 2005 23:58:48 GMT

i need to PACE MYSELF. and i need to learn the basic rules of TIME MANAGEMENT. this autumn is going to be GOOD IF NOT BETTER. oh and TOTAL responsibilty is not born OVERNIGHT. i'm still YOUNG, i should be careFREE.

Wed, 07 Sep 2005 20:43:53 GMT

i think it's time for a journal entry dedicated to me reflecting on my summer hahah

well, the summer began with my highschool career coming to an end. summer started in a kind of shitty way. that's funny because it ended in a pretty shitty way too! wow.

july: parents left on the 4th of july weekend, drugs, driving, having people over all night, having people sleep over, scooby was still alive, read magazines, visited different junior colleges, all-nighters, dennys, exploring hills, fog, being a liar and a disappointment, dietary supplements, heat, green tea, to-do lists, orange county, disposable cameras, taking naps at daniels, going to court and practically getting away with something that happened in may, new hair, doing a lot of driving in the middle of the night till early in the morning, harry potter, charlie and the chocolate factory, getting a flat tire at 12am at ontario mills, summer rain, beach with daniel, taking too many things at once and seriously dying at daniels, getting my disneyland pass taken away, yet another sucky anniversary, edward getting caught, me and his mom bitching at each other in my living room, hell, helping edward, detox, drug test scares galore, yellowcard's "ocean avenue", norco party, drunk and dying in a canyon, lightning.

august: sapphire dying, swimming, swimming, hiking, and more hiking, stealing a hello kitty cup, not having a car therefore not going anywhere for a while, stealing vodka, melrose shopping/shoplifting, movies at daniels, smoking at andys, bills beach birthday, coco puffs, bonfire, glowing waves/red tide, taking like 5 different people home while fucked up, really weird scary kickback at edwards cousins house, being stranded in ontario for a long time because nobody wanted to help, driving school on my birthday, turning 18, drinking beer and walking around for my birthday, being phoneless, chaffey hahaha, gravy train!!!! at koos, koos sucking, party of the century at my house for my birthday hahaha, four brothers, summer rain, beng alone and doing nothing, spending money, homework party part II, the number twelve at showcase and daniel and mae drunk, getting lost in covina for a really long time, train to l.a. and our train hitting a suicidal guy and having to wait forever, american apparel, a lot of urban outfitters, gay funny upland party, drunk at dennys, pasadena, alot of worrying towards the end of summer but trusting i had nothing to worry about, spontaneous l.a. trip, more drugs, drinking a tiny bit of beer at the park, mae's apartment warming thing, all my worries confirmed, dying, sewing daniels jeans and wearing his old ones, trying to get my passport, doing stupid things alone, hurricane katrina...

september: hmmm i dont know if i should still consider this summer

this entry marks the end of my talking about the same thing over and over again/expressing stupid feelings/etc. etc. i'm done with that!

Wed, 07 Sep 2005 19:40:26 GMT

i've been doing nothing but sitting and flipping between cnn and fox. both drone on and on about duhh like what else. it's not that i don't care. i think i'm just sick of how i pronounce "honore" in my head when i see it in text, and how everyone else pronounces it in a different way. today i have to go out of my way to buy The Prince of Egypt on dvd and a ouija board. because tomorrow i have made it an obligation to fulfill my hanging-out-with-a-random-aquaintance duties and not flake out on randoms for the first time in a long time. for the first time since summer began. wow the summer went by so fast. i'm not even sure what i did. and i was out like every day. i have to buy armando all this shit because i lost it and he wants all that stuff back hahaha. maybe i'll gather up all the crap i borrowed from everyone and make a day out of returning everyone's stuff. or not. cause i get bored and i like watching/using other people's stuff. hahaha! no shame.

today: buy/find missing stuff, make stuff, maybe take edward to get the money vanessa's letting him borrow
thursday: turn stuff in to the juvenile court in rancho, hang out with armando
friday: m83

Mon, 05 Sep 2005 21:44:52 GMT

yesterday i didn't do shit. i cancelled plans and sat on my ass for 24 hours. i had the six underground song by sneaker pimps on repeat. i went outside and accidentally fell asleep on the fucking driveway looking at stars, there was cigarette ash in my hair hahahaha. the stench of cow woke me up. to be honest i've hit an all-time low and i really do just don't wafjasdpioz like. ummmmmm. i feel disillusioned. somebody changed my way of thinking. i was fine with that way of thinking. i was blind and fucking stupid and naive for a while but i'm back to it but it's not so good. i have something to say but i can't keep fucking like uhhhhhhhhh i dont know i give up nevermind i completely fucking surrender myself to this fucking low bye

Mon, 05 Sep 2005 21:29:58 GMT

god somethings fucking wrong when somebody's playlist can make you cry on a (formerly) really nice happy day.

Mon, 05 Sep 2005 09:32:34 GMT

tonight fucking ruled. im glad. i miss rain. and wind too for some reason. i think im gonna make a new secret sn. i lost everything on my computer, the hard drive broke down completely, im getting a new one. it's really bad because i lost a lot of stuff, semi old and really old pictures and saved aim conversations. oh well it's stupid to have all the shit stored up like that. i think i have all the pictures i really want anyways. wait, im actually missing a lot of pictures but yeah i can't do anything about it. what else did i lose, oh yeah music. god okay im going to stop thinking about it now cause the more i think the more i realize how much i had on a computer and that's kind of depressing. oh well i did what i could, it's gone now and not for lack of trying to keep it alive. firefox stopped working on it anyways.

in other news im realizing how double effed up my sleeping pattern has become, i dont see myself falling asleep anytime soon. i think im gonna sleep downstairs tonight.